Baby Language

To say that these last 3 weeks have been a challenge would be an understatement. I try to maintain a relatively upbeat attitude in these posts (face it, reading a downer post isn't exactly the funnest thing) but I am not ashamed to say that I had absolutely no idea what being a mother entailed. I've questioned at times whether or not this was the right decision and also questioned my abilities to be able to meet all of the demands of a child. I think there was sort of a honeymoon period where everything was exciting and new and when that period started to wear off, I was faced with a newborn who was, in her best effort, trying to tell me what she needed and I, in my best effort, was trying to understand (she has reflux so feeding and burping her has been a huge challenge.) I had a pretty dark day earlier this week where every instance left me frustrated and in tears the majority of the day. S had gone back to work and I felt that my life would now consist of being held in complete isolation trying to do my best to care for this new baby but feeling like I was coming up short. I finally called my mom (I felt bad doing so because they were 2 days into a vacation!) I thought later how poetic it was that here I am, almost 30 years of age and in that moment I still needed my "mommy." I wasn't sure how much I would get out of the conversation because they were in an area with poor cell phone coverage and I was barely getting two to three words out in between sobs but somehow she managed to understand what I was saying and told me that this is hard and that what I was feeling was "normal" and that things really do get better. She also gave me real world advice, like carrying Bean around in the Sleepy Wrap so that I could actually get some housework done!! The best advice she gave me, though, was just to hold Bean and rub her back and talk to her honestly. Tell her this is really hard but that I am doing my best and that I still love her soo much. I think that in doing this, I was able to connect with Bean on a level that I hadn't been able to up to that point.

So in the days following the dark day I have managed to get out of the house and build up some sort of routine, although primitive. I managed to get almost all of my laundry done (S asked why laundry was so important to me and I think I figured out that it is the feeling of control that it gives me, rather than just having clean clothes to wear.) I've hung out with my friends which is a great distraction and have made plans to keep me motivated. I'm not saying that things are completely better overnight. I am still mostly overwhelmed all of the time and still have moments of feeling completely cut off from the outside world, but I am coping which is all I can really do for now. As long as it gets a little bit better everyday, I tell myself that I've gotten through harder things and that I can do this.

S will argue with this, I'm sure, but he has been so instrumental in me managing new mommy-hood. Just knowing that I have a partner in this who feels very much like I do is comforting. I love him so much! If anything these last 3 weeks have made me feel closer to him than ever. We looked at each other a few nights ago and honestly agreed that "this sucks" which is a feeling that I think neither of us had imagined we would feel. In some strange way, saying that and having him agree was such a relief because I didn't feel like such a bad parent. And truthfully there are times when I look at Bean and just don't like her very much!! But the larger truth is that we love her more than anything and I think that right there is why parents are willing to go through these challenges and bring children into the world. She is a beautiful baby and at the end of the day, we are really, really lucky to have her in our lives. And I'm sure as the weeks go on, my posts will become more optimistic as I achieve victories in parenthood!