Gratitude for my health

I love running.  I love running outside, especially, but with 2 small kids I am currently an indoor treadmill runner.  But the feeling is the same.  I am not the fastest nor most graceful runner.  I run to work through my frustration.  I run to stay healthy.  And I run to prove a point to myself.

You see, ten years and two days ago (Thanksgiving Eve 2003) I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis.  I was told that I would be lucky if I graduated from college, possibly wouldn't be able to keep up with the demands of children, and would likely be in a wheelchair in my 40s.  I was offered a handicap placard for my car and I politely declined.  I should mention that my neurologist tends to be a pessimist.  Granted, he sees the worst of the worst and I know a thing or two myself about being jaded from work circumstances.  But after seeing firsthand what happens when people in my situation just sort of--give up--I vowed to never be one of those people.

I don't mean to make light of the disease, it can be very devastating.  The journey hasn't all been roses.  I've had to tolerate the horrific side-effects of steroid therapy.  I've unfortunately been discriminated against (which is why I've been vague up until now.)  And I still find myself fighting fatigue and partial numbness.  But I think so much of how a person deals with the blow of receiving life-altering news will determine the course their life will lead.  So just to prove a point, I kept teaching dance while I finished my last year of college with the best GPA I'd had in 4 years.  I started a full-time career, which was LARGELY against the advice of this neurologist.  (Incidentally, I've stopped scheduling my appointments with him.)  And I've had two children.  And I run.

I am grateful to have this illness.  I think it has made me the person that I am today.  I am grateful to have overcome so many odds.  I am grateful for a loving Heavenly Father who has answered a lot of prayers, both by me and on my behalf.  I am grateful for medicine and for the miraculous affects it has had on my body.  I have currently failed all of my injection therapies, meaning I can't tolerate them anymore, but there is an 'experimental' (meaning non-FDA-approved but it's perfectly safe) treatment that I am currently thriving on.  So no more shots.  I am VERY grateful for that.  I am grateful for inspired science and I hope every day that there will someday be a cure.  How awesome would it be to say someday, 'Yeah, I used to have MS...'

Gratitude for my Home

You might remember some blog posts about the struggles I had when we first moved into our new house.  Now those thoughts are so distant from my memory--we truly are home.

When I say I am grateful for my home, I think my gratitude is multi-dimensional.  Of course, I am grateful for our physical house.  It is nicer than anything I ever thought I would live in and I am grateful that we have the space for our family to grow without (hopefully) ever having to up-size to accommodate a growing family.

I am also grateful for where we live.  I have said before how much the town I live in reminds me of the town I grew up in.  I can see being very happy raising our family here.  I also believe we were inspired to choose a home in the specific neighborhood we moved in to.  There have been so many blessings from associating with these people whom we never would have had a chance to meet otherwise.  I remember one Stake Conference not too long ago, the Stake President asked all of those had moved to the area within the last five years to stand up.  Almost the entire congregation was standing.  Then he asked those who felt like they had personally been inspired to move to the area to remain standing.  Almost the entire congregation remained standing.  It gave me chills.  We have all become neighbors in a community for a reason, and I am grateful for that.

It is also a beautiful place to live.  On a clear day we can see the entire valley below us.  On my commute out of town every day I can see the entire Wasatch mountain range--clear down into the neighboring county.  It is particularly breathtaking this time of year when the mountain peaks are often snow-capped.  Just the other morning, S woke up after a previously stormy day and the sky was clear and blue against crisp white peaks.  He said it was breathtaking.  I'm grateful for days like this to remind me of what a truly, incredible place I live (especially good to remember when I am still pining for Costa Rican beaches!)

I am probably most grateful, however, for the feeling of home.  I am a homebody: I love being domestic and cooking and cleaning.  And yes, I LOVE doing laundry!  I am excited to have a garden and to learn how to can our own fruits and vegetables.  I am currently excited about food storage!  I am also excited to finally get into my craft room in the upcoming year and sew my daughter some dresses.  And I also love just vegging out on the couch with S after the kids have gone to bed and watching Modern Family.  I am grateful for being home.

Gratitude for my faith

I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.  I was born into this church and have attended almost every single day of my youth, including various chapels across the United States while my family and I were on vacation.

This isn't that unrealistic of a circumstance, considering I am from Utah where people like me are, well, everywhere.  But if there has been anything that I have truly gained a witness of, it's personal conversion.

My husband and I were married in the Salt Lake Temple with every intention of raising a family much like the one I grew up in.  Then a few years ago, S finally came to terms with something that has probably been there his whole life and that is that he just isn't convinced that the Church he was raised in is true.  It wasn't a sudden overnight thing, more gradual.  And I wasn't entirely surprised when he broke the news to me.  So this meant that he wouldn't be going to church with me anymore.  At all.

Naturally I was devastated.  Bean was only a year old and going to church with her by myself seemed like a daunting task.  Plus, I just didn't want to go to church by myself period.  As I was trying to sort out my feelings a story came quickly to my mind about a couple in a similar situation where the wife gave an ultimatum to the husband--either you start coming to church again or I'm leaving you.  I was so bothered by that story.  Talk about going for the wrong reasons!  I was determined to never, ever put S in that situation or remotely make him feel like I cared any less for him just because he chose to not worship how I did.

So Sunday morning would roll around and I would get up, get myself and Bean ready, and we would go.  By ourselves.  At first it was terribly awkward.  We had just moved into a new ward and I knew no one there so I already felt like I stuck out like a sore thumb.  Then a former neighbor ended up buying a house in our subdivision.  We started talking and she asked where S was and I told her he had decided to not come anymore.  There was almost something so relieving about this--like I was owning the situation and moving forward.  Honestly, if I hadn't had Bean as a motivation to go or talked to this neighbor (who has since become a very dear friend of mine) I'm not sure I could have even gotten up the courage to keep going myself.

I guess it was at this point that I started examining what it was that I believed.  As I mentioned I had always gone to church because it was what I was supposed to do.  Now I found myself in a position where hardly anyone knew me and I could just quietly slip under the radar, but I had a determination in me to not let that happen.  Again I think having Bean greatly motivated me to go but I suddenly found myself wanting to go to church and associate with these people.  And I found that my testimony was growing on it's own accord for, perhaps, the first time in my life.  Of course I have had several amazing experiences through my youth and teenage years that definitely laid a foundation, but it wasn't until I was going by myself because I truly wanted to that I really felt my testimony start to grow.

Naturally there are times that I, myself, have wondered if what I believe is true.  In fact, I was so exhausted just a few months ago thinking 'what if this isn't true and I'm just putting myself through a lot of headache and heartache for nothing' and then two weeks in a row we had the most amazing speakers in church who seemed to address very specific thoughts that I had very privately had.

The truth is that every day I can find small moments in my life where I know that my faith in the Gospel of Jesus Christ is confirmed, whether by an occurrence, something I read, or something I hear.  These really leave no room for any doubt in my mind.

So I am grateful.  Grateful for my faith and most grateful to have had the opportunity to build my faith on my own two feet.  I'm grateful that, even though he chooses not to go, S is more than supportive of me and our children going.  I don't know if S will ever go to church again and I've decided that it really doesn't matter because Heavenly Father has proven to me that he knows me (possibly better than I do) and that he knows S and that I am part of a bigger picture that I may not understand.  Yet.

Gratitude for my children

Have you heard the expression that sometimes your greatest trials end up being your greatest blessings?  This is how I would describe motherhood.  Being a mom has not come easily to me.  In fact, the other day I was ashamedly admitting to S how much I depend on things that I read to give me parental advice.  I know I have that parental instinct but somehow I just have a hard time tuning into it.  That said, being a mother has been the greatest joy of my life.  Just a few days ago I watched Bean's first Primary program and glowed with a sort of motherly pride that I haven't felt before.  So being a mom definitely has it's perks, too!

Bean is purely imaginative.  She is completely 100% into princesses right now and every day she is a different Disney heroine (in the picture above she is pretending to be Mulan.  Hence the topknot and black dress.)  She is learning new things every week at preschool and is so excited to be learning.  And her reading!  She can sound out simple words and spell them.  (Refrigerator ABC magnets are the best invention ever for a kid learning to read.)  

However, this little girl challenges me in a way that I thought was never possible.  "They're only 4-year olds--they can't be that hard to raise."  She is somehow a perfect combination of S's stubbornness and my independent determination and if she doesn't want to do something then she is more than happy to let you know.  I think I realized (or maybe just finally admitted to myself) that the reason we tend to clash is because we are so similar.  So then I took a step back and tried my best to remember my thought process as a 4-year old.  I started giving credibility to the things she truly finds important...even if it means we'll arrive 10 minutes late somewhere.  

So I am grateful to Bean for reminding me what it's like to be 4.  For giving me reason to pause for a moment and not always be in such a hurry.

I am finding that Boy is just like Bean was at this age...except...Boy.  His manual dexterity astounds me.  I often find him practicing his fine motor skills and think "should he already be able to do that?"  The bowls in the above picture were 'neatly' sorted and then 'neatly' put away.  He loves to read.  Rather he loves to always tote a book around with him and find me so I can read it.  And he's really started walking since my last post about him not walking!  He's still not 100% but today was definitely more walking than crawling.  He also has a smile that will light up a room.  He's a charmer and he's going to break a lot of hearts.

Boy tends to be very vocal.  You also know exactly when he doesn't agree with something you are doing.  I'm trying to remember, but I don't think Bean really ever whined or cried as much as he does.  The other day we were in a hurry to get Bean from school and he threw his sippy cup of koolaid on the floor, after which it smashed open and koolaid went everywhere.  I had it.  I picked him up and we left without a refill and the next 15 minutes of screaming in the car let me know that he was not happy.  Something in me just kind of snapped and then I started to cry.  So picture us rushing off to get Bean and both Boy and I are crying.  It was a mess.  Luckily Boy and I had composed ourselves enough so that Bean had no idea what she had just missed.  And there I am driving back home, slightly rattled, while Boy is back to his cooing, babbling self while Bean shares her goldfish with him.

I am grateful to have learned from Boy to let stuff roll off my back.  He can go from being completely pissed off about something to not having a care in the world.  And he can do this in a matter of seconds.  I on the other hand can let something that is bothering me fester for weeks.  And I am grateful for this little guy and all the screams and charm alike.

Gratitude for my husband

It's Thanksgiving month and I've always loved reading people's daily posts about what they are grateful for.  What a great way to celebrate the season.  I knew I wouldn't remember (or have time) to post daily about the things in my life that I am most grateful for, so I decided to schedule some blog posts to be published throughout the next few weeks leading up to Thanksgiving.

My first subject will be mad that I chose to do an entire post about him, but it's one of the things I love most about S.  He is completely oblivious to just how awesome he is.

I was thinking today about what I wanted to write about S and a story came to mind which I don't think I've shared here before (and if I have I'm sharing it again.)  We were in San Diego on our babymoon a few years back.  We were just leaving a gas station when S noticed a homeless man sitting on the sidewalk outside of the station.  He went up to him and asked when the last time was he had a decent, somewhat healthy meal.  I don't remember the man's response, but S went into the station and found some fruit and a sandwich for this old man.  He received it with such a look of gratitude in his eyes--I'll never forget it.  This story just typifies the kind of person S is.  Just the other week he noticed that a neighbor up the street was getting sod in and showed up bright and early the next morning (a Saturday) to help lay it.  He will drop anything to help somebody else out, even if he knows the favor won't be returned.

Another thing I love about S is his strong work ethic.  When he was a boot (the lowest fireman on the totempole) he spent every single waking hour at work rereading his textbooks or studying up on his operating procedures.  He can't sit still.  He always has to have a project going.  And he doesn't complain about it either.  I have been told at my job that I am a really hard worker (whether or not it's true...) and I have to attribute most of that to S's example.

Now of course he's not perfect.  None of us are.  And I know he would object to everything I've just said about him, but luckily it's my blog :)  And I think he's pretty great.

S is currently studying for a big promotional exam for work that is coming up this week.  I have never in my life met anyone who studies as hard or as well as he does.  He would probably volunteer this information (so I don't feel as bad putting it out there) but he wasn't the best student in grade school.  He hit college and became a better student than I ever was.  I wish I could have studied half as hard as he does--I would have ended up summa cum laude.  I know he is working so hard for this promotion largely in part for our family.  Grateful doesn't even sum it up.  I am one lucky gal.

Since then...

I must have had a little bit of photo burnout after our vacation because I really haven't taken very many pictures since we got back.  But I was able to find a few to sum up our lives since we got back.

The first two were actually taken the night we left for Costa Rica.  We took the kids to Kneaders for dinner on the way to dropping them off at Grandma's.  I love their sugar cookies and was excited to see that they had their fall-ish ones for sale because, at the time, it still felt very much like summer 

 We stopped by my Grandma's condo one last time so S could pick up some things he had left behind.  My dad had closed on it that day.  It felt really good (probably more so for S) to be done with it, but as I sat looking at it from the car I realized how sad it was that this would be the last time I was here.  So many good memories.

This next one is courtesy of Aunt B, who watched Bean and Boy for several days while we were in Costa Rica, including the night that we got home.  Bean and S had made a cute countdown with a piece of candy for each day that we were gone.  As you can see, she is very excited that she made it to day 10.

It was so hard coming back to work and even harder coming back to snow.  Like, two snowstorms within the week that we came back.  Brutal.

Boy has probably had the capability to walk for several months now but completely lacks the motivation to do so.  Crawling is so much faster.  I don't think he realizes that walking will lead to running.  Anyway, he's content to scoot behind this thing all over the house.

Aunt B is getting married at the end of the month.  This little darling is going to look just darling at the wedding.  I love bow-ties.  He does too, I promise.  His angst is due to the fact that I am dangling my iPhone in front of his face and not letting him have it.

October was the month of showers.  We had a fun baby shower for a coworker who's little boy was born last week.  And then a few weekends ago we had a bridal shower for Aunt B!  

Bean has developed quite the imagination.  She loves to play princess with all of her dollies now and she has become an excellent playdough chef.

Bean gave up her naps a really, really long time ago but, for some reason (maybe it was all the hard playing) she has fallen asleep a lot during her quiet time in the last month.  I love this picture.  It looks like she just plain wore herself out.

We met a friend for a playdate at an awesome brand-new park.  Boy was so close to crawling through this tunnel but he chickened out at the last minute.  Reminds me of someone I know...

S spotted this buck in our backyard the other day.  Holy cow--it was huge.  I'm hoping this picture will make any hunters who happen to read my blog very, very jealous.  At least you know where they are all hiding now.

The Daddy Files:

S got to play stay-home dad during our time home in September because he took the whole month off.   The following photos are ones he sent to me while I was working.

We had initially planned on going to Lake Powell 4 days after we got back from Costa Rica.  We didn't realize how dumb this idea was until both kids had meltdowns as we were trying to pack and get out the door.  Needless to say, we didn't go.  But he did get a picture of them trying on their life-jackets.

The night after we got back I had to work so S took Bean and Boy to see a local Disney-themed production put on by the kids in our town.  Bean was in heaven.  Princesses everywhere.  Plus I heard one of the mayoral candidates was sitting right behind them and he kept sneaking Bean candy.  I know who she's voting for now...

Bean loves playing dress-up at Grandma H.'s.  Her one request from Santa Claus this year was a box of dress-up clothes which he may or may not have already filled.

Gardening in our corner of the valley is tough so S was excited to see that our crabapple was actually doing something this fall.

On one of the warmer days early in October, S took Bean and Boy up to Silver Lake for a hike.  Shortly after this picture was taken...

...Boy lost his binki in the lake.  See that white thing in the middle?  That's it.  See those ducks?  They thought it was food.  I can only imagine what a duck must have looked like swimming around with a binki in it's mouth.

Bean loved the hike so much that they ended up hiking all the way up to Mary's lake.  Not an easy hike for a 4-year old.  Not an easy hike for a dad with a 4- and 1-year old.

There is nothing like getting a text message in the middle of a shift with a picture of these cuties.

Bean Gets Glasses

Last year, for Bean's 3-year check up she had questionable results on her eye exam.  Because she was only 3--and going through a major 'shy phase'--her doctor sort of disregarded it and said that we would repeat it at her 4-year check up, which was this last August.

In the meantime, I started noticing strange things regarding Bean's behavior, especially when it came to reading.  Bean has known her letters since she was 2 and so I found it really strange, when we were starting to help her learn to read, that I would point to letters that I knew she knew, but she would just stare and respond that she didn't know.  Plus she has been very, very irritable.

At her check up she ended up failing the test on her left eye (20/70) did somewhat better on her right (20/40) but combined was near perfect (20/30.)  We ended up taking Bean into a pediatric ophthalmologist, where they confirmed her previous screening test.  

We were so proud of Bean that day: she did so well!  The appointment was scheduled to be 2-3 hours long but she was so cooperative that we were only there for about an hour.

It turns out that Bean has amblyopia which is a condition where the nerve isn't responding to the signals the brain is telling it.  Basically, she isn't able to see out of her left eye at all, poor kid.  And the fact that she was able to compensate so well with her right eye makes me thing she's been having some pretty wicked headaches.  On top of that, she's very farsighted.  I think I'd be a little irritable too.

Bean was very excited to go try frames on.  She had settled on a pair of hot-pink ones but S and I gently guided her to this pair of glasses (lucky for us they had sparkly flowers on the corners.)  She has been so responsible with them.  And while she is still 4 and prone to her little 4-year old outbursts, I think her temperament has been much better.  Plus she looks pretty darn cute in glasses.