Thoughts as a Mom on my 5th Mother's Day

If Mother's Day could be compared to Christmas, then I went into it as Scrooge this year.  My sweet, sweet children had/have been particularly difficult lately and S was working.  I hate to admit it, but I was ready to just wallow in self-pity the whole day.  Luckily my attitude changed and it actually ended up being a pretty good day!  Church was great because I was able to take a break from my nursery class and attend Relief Society with all of the other grown ups.  Plus they served us chocolate cake.  Plus Boy actually decided to cooperate and not break down into tears as soon as I left him in his nursery class.  Then after lunch the kids took their rest time and I got a most awesome nap in.  Follow that up with dinner at S's parents with cousins to entertain my children, it was probably the most rested I've been on a day that S was working.  So thankfully my bad attitude during the days leading up to Mother's Day didn't last or I might have missed out on a pretty great day!

I think being home so much more with my children over the last few months has really caused me to reflect on my role as a mother.  (I'm adding adorable pictures of my adorable children, as well...)  I didn't expect being a stay-home mother to be easy but I had no idea just how DIFFICULT it was going to be!  My friend came up to me at church a few weeks into my new journey and asked how it was going.  I flat out told her I was having a really hard time.  Like, a really hard time.

(Bean on a cold spring day, wondering if she'd ever get to go out and play!)

It's not just that the physical demands are, well, demanding, but emotionally you can't just break down and yell or leave like you would if it were any other situation.  These kids are totally still dependent on me.  There was a time this past winter where I was ready to call my boss and ask for my job back.  Seriously.  But then they will say the sweetest things or make me laugh.  I told S that it's like being in a really bad, one-sided relationship.  Under normal relationship standards I would have been gone a long time ago, yet every day I just keep coming back for more.

(Bean and Boy exploring the chimes at our library.)

I tend to not be the most flexible person.  I love my routines.  I hate change.  Luckily I know this about myself, so instead of royally freaking out (and getting my old job back) I started to develop a new routine and told myself that this is just like going to work every day.  The hours are long and the children are demanding clients whose needs I have to meet.  (The pay is worse.)  I started to give myself time-outs and learned a little more about meditation and breathing.  Suddenly my days started moving a little more quickly and I felt like I was becoming a little more comfortable in my new role.

(Bean and Boy having a picnic while I clean up dinner.)

I think it was sometime this spring that I suddenly realized that I didn't want to go back to my old job anymore.  I suddenly couldn't imagine doing anything else.  I was having fun!  Besides what I just mentioned about making it my new job, I absolutely have made it a rule that I wake up early enough to do my personal scripture study, exercise, and eat breakfast By Myself.  This has helped tremendously.  I also am pretty selfish with my time while the kids are napping.  If at all possible I try to make this 'me time' instead of 'time to catch up on the chores.'

(Boy was absolutely fascinated with the rain spout this day.)

One of our biggest blessings has been that S has been able to devote more time to getting his landscaping side-job going.  It has really taken off!  (Just like I had hoped!)  The downside is that I am home alone a lot with the kids.  It can be really hard and a lot of times I feel like a single parent.  But I try to remind myself daily (sometimes hourly) how fortunate we are and that being a stay-home mom is kind of like being a single parent.  Stay-home moms stay home to run the place while dad is off working.  So I remind myself that I'm not the only on in this boat.  (And I'm more aware of why play-dates and mommy social groups are such an important thing--if only I took more advantage of them!)

(Boy and Bean dancing with Lisa the cabbage patch kid.)

So while I have definitely had mixed emotions to being a 95% of the time Stay at Home Mom, I would ultimately have to say that I am very glad so far about my decision.  There was the possibility of an opportunity to pick up a few more shifts at work and, ultimately, I felt like 'no, I'm good doing what I'm doing.'  Right now I'm where my family needs me to be and, more importantly, where I need me to be!

(Boy loves swings!)